Tag Archives | relating to others

HOW I AM AFFECTS HOW I WORK WITH OTHERS – REALLY!!

By on September 4, 2002 in emotional intelligence, Excellent organisations, Leadership, Meta Org Blog, relating to others, Working smarter

‘I’ve always prided myself on being good at analytical/logical thinking, and when I was asked if I would like to go on a programme on developing my skills as a leader I thought I would learn to be even more logical and analytical. Half way through my first day all I could do was shake my head in disbelief.

We had spent the whole morning looking at ways I could make myself feel good and, although that was very pleasant, it felt both selfish and irrelevant to me as a leader.

The workshop facilitator persisted in looking at personal stuff for the rest of the afternoon, which was spent on how I think. Analytical? Nope! My intuition, for goodness sake! I haven’t used that since I was a child. I went home and told my wife that it was a most unexpected day. Two hours later she told me to shut up.

I was curious about the next day and had to admit I felt rather good about myself. As we began to explore what made a good leader I realised that I had what it took, but it wasn’t what I thought it was.

Since that five day session I think I have used about half of what I learned with Di – which is about 100%, at least, more than I have taken from other courses. It makes more and more sense, and it works. No, it really works.’

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Di says:

Adam spent the whole of the first day staring at me and shaking his head in disbelief. I could feel his gaze on me the whole time.

It’s a common reaction. At first many people think I am crazy. And I remind them that, when they do get themselves in a state where they feel good abut themselves, they are in a superb position to help others get more from their work.

Western society’s love affair with logical and analytical thought reflects a belief that science could solve all of our ‘problems’ This ‘logic’ breaks work down into boring and meaningless tasks, so that the work does not inspire and motivate, and ultimately the work gets done badly. Nice logic!

We have got to the stage in our culture where many of us think that work has to be boring, hard, stressful. If not, the story runs, we are not earning our money or our leisure time: “work hard, play hard’.

Homework

1. Enjoy your work today.

2. Give yourself some treats: stop and smell that flower, smile at that toddler, use your favourite soap, wear your favourite clothes.

3. Take a risk: go in after the traffic, leave your tie at home, leave your e-mails until you have spoken to everyone face-to-face

Enjoy your work today.

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Friendship

By on September 4, 2002 in Meta Org Blog, relating to others, Uncategorized

Over the last couple of months I have really become aware of just how many wonderful friends I have. They come from all the different stages and environments of my life, ranging from people I’ve known since school days, to people I have met through work, to the people who run our local general store.

And they have made my somewhat turbulent life easier in all sorts of ways: by giving me a delicious sandwich for a picnic lunch as I was rushing off; sharing a laugh and a bottle of wine; listening to me when I was upset; doing a task they knew I would put off – the list goes on and on.

This has made me realise yet again just how precious friendship is, and what a difference it makes to our life. It is vital to reaffirm friendships, and continue to build them.

At Meta we firmly believe in making friends with our customers and suppliers. It is much more fun than having a distant, purely professional relationship, and brings joy into parts of work that people often have problems with. When we phone or make direct contact with people, we look forward to the conversation, and we believe that they usually enjoy the chat too.

Wouldn’t life be different if most of those you dealt with in your everyday life were friends of yours??

Homework

  1. Express your appreciation of the friendship of those around you
  2. Treat a customer or supplier as you would a friend – just chat to them like a real human being and be interested in them and their world.
  3. Be a good friend to someone by just doing a little something which makes a positive difference in their lives.

 

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Appreciating Difference

By on September 4, 2002 in Meta Org Blog, relating to others

As we start a New Year, we usually all resolve to do something different. Most of the time, our resolutions are about being a better person in some way.

For me, a speech given by Bill Clinton as the Dimbleby lecture made me think about how judgmental we can be. It is so easy to, as he said, ‘put people in boxes’.

I have seen and spoken to a variety of old friends this Christmas. Some of them are housewives, some are chief executives, and some have still not decided what they want to do with their lives. They provide me with plenty of opportunities to put them in boxes: good/bad use of their talents; boring/interesting; as they were/changed – the list goes on and on.

But whatever it is that they are doing or not doing, they are all special human beings. And if this is true of so many different people that I know, perhaps it is true of those I don’t know so well.

So my New Year’s resolution is to be more appreciative of the value of people’s differences, and to delight in our common humanity. It’s easy with some, and harder with others, but it is undoubtedly a great way to change the world a little more!

Homework

  1. Look at yourself and notice where you judge yourself to be lacking in some way. Now appreciate that quality in yourself – it makes it easier to do the same with other people.
  2. Take 3 people you know and identify what makes them special
  3. Smile with an open heart at the next person you see whom you have judged to be deficient in some way

 

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Helping Other People

By on September 4, 2002 in Meta Org Blog, relating to others

We have all been encouraged to be helpful to others, and we often do this by trying to ‘fix’ things for them, and give them solutions to their problems. Our intentions are good, but we don’t always prove to be as helpful as we intended.

What we forget is that what would work for us won’t necessarily work for someone else. For example, I am planning to have Christmas holiday in the sun, and haven’t yet decided where to go. As soon as I mention it, people offer me suggestions, before they have any idea of my criteria for a holiday.

It sounds as if I am being dismissive if I ignore their ‘helpfulness’, but actually most of their suggestions don’t take account of my preferences and circumstances. They are suggesting what they have enjoyed, or would like to do, in the context of their own circumstances.

What their suggestions do give me is the opportunity to clarify further my own criteria. If I don’t find their idea appealing, what would appeal? And if they asked me about my criteria for a good holiday first, then their suggestions would be more directly helpful.

How often do you try and fix other people’s problems? Most of us do it, at work and at home, so this is just a reminder that we could be genuinely helpful by not suggesting a solution. Instead, we could help the person to clarify exactly what would work for them by asking questions such as:

‘What would make this feel right for you?’

‘How exactly do you want this to be?’

‘What would help you to find the solution to this?’

Homework

Next time you want to solve someone’s problem and help them, ask them questions instead of giving an answer.

Before you ask someone for their help, tell them exactly what you mean when you state the problem, and what you want from them.

 

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BELIEVING IN OTHERS

By on July 11, 2002 in Leadership, Self awareness, Ways of thinking

Many years ago, I was working with groups of young people who had been thrown out of school for ‘bad behaviour’. They were a great bunch of kids, once they decided they trusted you. Having been given that honour – of being trusted – I was curious to know what I had done to earn it.

Ade told me that two things mattered to them:

  • I didn’t talk down to them
  • I had never once seemed to doubt their ability to achieve whatever they wanted to

I wondered why that was, and then realised that I had been brought up to believe that everyone has something special about them, so that’s what I looked for in others. And whatever you look for, you find…

It is a vital perspective, if you want to bring out the best in those you work with. There was a piece of research done in the USA, where they took two mixed ability classes, but told their teachers that one group were high achievers, and the other group were slow learners. By the end of the first term, the teachers had proved them right!

The group classed as high achievers were all achieving, the other group were all being slow learners.

With beliefs, you tend, as in this example, to get what you expect. So, stop and think about what you expect your colleagues to be like. If they don’t get your point, do you think they are a bit slow or not bright enough? Or do you think that you have expressed it badly?

We can prove any belief we like to hold, so why not make it easier for you to enable people to be at their best, by deciding to believe that they are pretty special, your job is just to bring that out in them.

Homework

  1. List your beliefs about others, including the contradictions – be honest in this one
  2. Now go through your list and choose the beliefs that would be useful to you in enabling others to develop, then add some if you want to
  3. At your next team meeting, read through the ones you have chosen, and decide to act as if they are always true, for the whole of that session, and see what happens

 

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EMPOWERMENT

By on May 10, 2002 in Excellent organisations, Leadership

This month, I would like to explore the concept of EMPOWERMENT.  This became a buzzword for the nineties, along with other management concepts, such as de-layering, re-engineering and even, dare I say it, “leadership” itself!  Many organisations embraced the concept and empowered their people, but the results have not been inspiring.

Empowered staff often complain that they are not really empowered, as decisions are still taken by their bosses.  Managers complain that empowered workers ignore the rules and are quick to explain that they “tried empowerment”, but that it just did not work.  Leaders need to anticipate the needs of those that have been empowered.  How will others react to them, will they want confirmation from “the boss”, will they resent their authority?  Leaders and others may also need to show greater tolerance for mistakes and support people, so that they are able to learn from their experiences.

A useful metaphor is a teenager who becomes “empowered” through having greater independence, often financially as well as socially.  As parents, we recognise the need to set boundaries, to gradually develop trust in our sons or daughters, to tolerate their occasional mistake and for them to know that we will always be there for them.  But as managers, we can often operate with a different set of rules.  We do not outline the “do’s and don’ts”.  When people fail, we take back control (after all, it was a daft idea, anyway!) and if things get tough, we are not always supportive.

Think about how you have empowered those who work for you.  Have you provided them with the support, at both a day-to-day level and also at an emotional level?  Are they flourishing, as would a growing adult, or are they floundering like a child in the wilderness?

  1. Spend some time thinking about the people that you manage?
  2. How are they coping with the degree of “empowerment” that you have given them?
  3. Have you outlined the “rules-of-the-game” (both written and unwritten) within your company or are they stumbling into problems on a regular basis?  If not, jot down some of the rules and discuss them at the next opportunity.
  4. How are you supporting them on a regular basis?  Do you share their experiences and discuss ways of improving things next time?
  5. How do you react to mistakes?  Do you support them?  Are you there to help when things go wrong – in a way that is constructive?

Be sure to treat them as individuals, since they will be at different stages and will have differing needs.  Finally, consider the benefits that effectively empowered staff will offer to you.  Perhaps, more time to think strategically or to network with others outside your company or even the chance to occasionally go home early!

Write these down, as they will be useful reminders to you when you are tempted to abandon empowerment and to take control back again!

 

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Knowing it All

By on February 9, 2002 in emotional intelligence, Meta Org Blog, relating to others, Self awareness

One of the things that I was reminded of while I was on retreat in August was the importance of being rather than knowing.

The man who led the retreat has been a teacher for most of his life and has always inspired me and helped me to continue to develop myself. He is now wheelchair-bound and takes a question and answer session each afternoon.

And in those sessions, what comes clear is that he is still learning, and still wanting to develop. So he will say that he doesn’t know the answer to all the questions, he will accept and acknowledge challenges that stimulate him to think more about some of the topics, and of course sometimes his answers are just perfect, coming from a deep knowing that goes beyond the purely intellectual.

I sit there and realise yet again that being comfortable with not knowing is a vital ability in anybody, and allows others to explore for themselves and find what they know at some level. It may be more valuable than being the expert who keeps people as the ‘children’ who don’t know yet.

Homework

  1. Next time you don’t know the answer when someone asks you something, feel comfortable about saying that you don’t know, and get the group or individual to explore for themselves
  2. Next time you do think you know the answer, try letting others find it for themselves, and enjoy some of the differences between their version of the answer and yours

 

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