Archive | relating to others

LOVE, ACTUALLY!

By Di Kamp on February 1, 2010 in emotional intelligence, Kindness, relating to others

There is something about the movie, ‘Love Actually’ that catches most of us – I wonder if it is just that it portrays some of the many ways in which love can come into and ‘disrupt’ our normal lives. Yet there is more to love than the romantic version, it has an even greater depth.

I was sitting looking at the photos on my windowsill this morning and smiling. Every day they remind me of people and places that I love, and every day they make me smile. These people and places are not linked to romance for me: they are linked to that heart-full love that comes with long-standing close relationships with family and dear friends.

And then I thought about the kitten who is coming to join my family next weekend. I don’t even know him yet, and I love him already. What is that about?

I believe that love is a fundamental part of being human. We need to love and be loved, not just in special cases, but all the time, in our everyday lives. Love is the emotion that brings our hearts into play and keeps them and us healthy and active. It is not meant to be kept locked away for special occasions, special people. It is meant to be the driving force of our everyday activity.

And we all know we want to be loved, yet we can’t demand it form others. What is within our control is the giving of love. We can choose to come from our hearts in the way we are with others. We can choose to open our hearts to the delight of things around us. And when we do, we renew the flow of love so that we can allow love to come back to us as well.

So, just for today:

Tell 3 people in your life that you love them
Approach 3 people you work with or encounter in your day with love in your heart
Look for 3 other reasons to activate the love code: notice the beauty of the spring flowers, your favourite piece of furniture, music that brings it out in you…

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VALIDATING OTHERS

By Di Kamp on October 1, 2009 in Kindness, relating to others

We are very prone to criticism – of ourselves and of others. I do not believe that this is natural, but learnt. Little children do not look for what’s wrong, they look for what’s right, and only when we have taught them to, do they begin the process of finding fault in things…

We forget how powerfully criticism operates in our lives, and how much that undermines our positive qualities, until we experience something that does the opposite – that validates a positive in ourselves.

How about validating your family this evening, telling them each something you love about them?

And what about your work colleagues – can you do the same? It will only take a few moments…

And if you feel really adventurous, how about the checkout person at the supermarket, the barman, the postman, that stranger in the street who looks happy – or sad. Remember, even if you don’t seem to have had a positive effect, you may have sown some useful seeds…

And before I finish, just let me remind you that you too are special – the way you smile, the care you take with some aspects of what you do, the way you are a friend to others. Give yourself a validation too – you deserve it!

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VALIDATING OTHERS

By Di Kamp on October 1, 2009 in relating to others

How about validating your family this evening, telling them each something you love about them? And what about your work colleagues – can you do the same? It will only take a few moments… And if you feel really adventurous, how about the checkout person at the supermarket, the barman, the postman, that stranger in the street who looks happy – or sad.

Remember, even if you don’t seem to have had a positive effect, you may have sown some useful seeds…

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UNDERSTANDING

By Di Kamp on February 1, 2007 in Meta Org Blog, relating to others

There have been several TV programmes recently that have prompted me to think about understanding. What they have had in common is the theme of really getting to know others and how they think, work, live, and the result of that, which is inevitably a greater sympathy and understanding of their world and the way it works or doesn’t for them.

We talk about understanding something as if it is an intellectual exercise, but the word originally means to stand in their place, and experience it. True understanding will expand our awareness of the possibilities in the world, and will touch us emotionally as well as intellectually.

There have been lovely examples of this in the series called ‘The Secret Millionaire’. Every one of the people who have been giving away money in this series has gone to live in the community for a while, experiencing first-hand the way the community works and the way people live their lives there. And every one has had a change of heart, an emotional experience, a change of attitude – they have also all been moved to tears and seen their experience as a gain for themselves, and not just for those to whom they have given money.

Most of the time, we live in our heads, not because that is natural to us, but because that is what we have learnt to do. As small children, we cannot help but react from our hearts first, but we are good learners, and we soon realise that adults don’t do that. As children, we are also fascinated by other people’s worlds, yet we learn to judge them from our own perspective, and close down to the possibility of learning from them and truly understanding them.

So I have a suggestion: How about finding people whom we have a judgement about and seeing if we can really understand them. These could be our children, our parents, our work colleagues, or a category of people we don’t know at all.

All it requires is being prepared to spend time asking people to talk about their world, and listening with curiosity rather than judgement. Then to really imagine what it would be like to live in that world, and how you would feel if that were your world. For example, many years ago, I was prompted by one of my teachers to ask people begging on the street to tell me their story. It only took a few of those stories to make me realise that it could have happened to me, and that I would probably be an alcoholic or drug addict if it had. It took away my judgement of them, and made me very grateful for my own good fortune in having friends and family that supported me in tough times in my life.

If all of us were just to increase our understanding a little, I think we would change the way the world works!

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The Importance of Touch

By Di Kamp on January 4, 2007 in Blog, Meta Org Blog, relating to others

A few years ago, Meta decided to support Comic Relief in a different way, by offering almost free hugs in Worcester city centre, in return for a donation to Comic Relief.

It was one of the most wonderful days I have spent, just hugging people! It was a moving, warm, joyous experience, and the way people reacted really made us realise how non-tactile our society has become. Every age and type of person did decide that they would have a hug for charity, some with absolute certainty, some more hesitantly. Many parents sent their children to have the hug, but were quite pleased when we offered them one too. Even those who found the whole idea just too embarrassing or ‘out there’ tended to walk past with a smile on their faces.

Of those who did have hugs, there were some who really moved us: the pensioners who hadn’t had a hug for months, even years; the teenagers who kept coming back with another few coins for another hug – does no-one ever hug teenage boys?!; and the little children who just snuggled in because to them it was the most natural thing in the world. We collected a lot of money for Comic Relief, which was great, but maybe more important than that, we had the delight of hugging and being hugged by many many people.

What the whole experience made me realise was how deprived we have become of human physical contact. It is necessary for our mental and physical well-being – proven by scientists studying those who are not cuddled as babies – yet we have so many ‘rules’ about touch that many of us have become afraid to reach out and hug another person.

So please, hug your family, your friends, your colleagues, and ask for hugs from them. At the very least, hold a hand, put your arm around a shoulder, touch someone’s arm. It can provide more reassurance than a thousand words, and is a simple way of saying that you care.

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CONNECTIONS

By Di Kamp on May 8, 2005 in emotional intelligence, health+well being, relating to others

We had just finished an open programme in Meta, and the last day felt very emotional. The people who were on the programme were not just the participants, they are our friends. Over the time we had been working together, the relationship between us had developed into a real connection that does not finish with the end of the programme. And at Meta, we delight in those real connections, and love the fact that our circle of friends is constantly being extended.

It reminds me that one of the joys of being alive is that we can have so many connections: with people we meet, with those who sing and write for us, with the world around us. Yet many people do not exploit the wonder of this phenomenon.

The value of connections

We have been well taught to ‘stand on our own two feet’, and for many of us that means that we try not to rely on others and plough our own furrows.

Yet our connections can enrich our lives significantly, if we only dare trust to them. Being connected doesn’t mean a dependency on others, it means recognising our interdependence.

My friendships give me a lot of joy, and a place to give back as well. Between us, we create a better world. Those who write and sing inspire me and calm me, and I respond by taking their message further. My garden thrives because I look after it, but it also feeds me both literally and metaphorically.

When we entered the scientific age in the 17^th century, we learned to regard ourselves as separate from the world, from others, and we lost the magic of that interconnectedness. Most of us have been educated to think that we still have that separation, and yet we know in our hearts that it is not true.

Today, remember your connections:

Smile at another human being
Delight in someone’s words or music
Phone a friend you haven’t spoken to for a while
Go talk to a plant!
Re-connect with the magic of the world!

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HUMAN KINDNESS

By Di Kamp on February 8, 2005 in Kindness, relating to others

There have been many stories in the media about the heartfelt reactions of people all over the world to natural disasters. For me, it is a great reminder that human beings are essentially caring and kind.

It is easy to forget, because we react more strongly to the cruelty or simple thoughtlessness that we experience, and register it in our consciousness more deeply – the unpleasant remark from a work colleague, the partner who doesn’t bother to acknowledge an important anniversary – we have all hurt from these sorts of behaviours.

Yet most of us equally experience simple kindnesses from others – a cup of coffee delivered to the desk when we are busy, a favourite dinner after a hard day at work – and for a moment they lift our spirits. Wouldn’t it be lovely if kindness were the norm – imagine how that would feel, and what a difference it would make to our daily lives! And it isn’t that demanding. Being kind and acknowledging kindness shown to you are simple things to do and pay off for both sides.

To increase the level to which human beings demonstrate their kindness, we need to take two simple actions:

Every day do one kind act for someone else
Every time someone does a kindness for you, acknowledge it

It is the small steps that begin the major differences. This sort of behaviour is infectious, and when we decide unilaterally to take these small actions, we find that more people are kind more often, that we increase the number of times we do a small kindness for someone, because it creates a good feeling and is easy.

Let’s not save our kindness for times of great disaster – let’s practise it every day!

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TRUST

By Di Kamp on October 11, 2004 in Leadership, relating to others

I met up with a manager I hadn’t seen for about two years the other day. It was a delight to see Robert, and we immediately fell back into our old way of talking with each other. Within a short period of time, he had told me about his life over the last few years, both personal and professional. I realised that he had given me his trust, just as he had when I was his coach, and it got me to thinking about trust.

As a leader, two-way trust is essential, if we are to perform well. We need to trust those we work with, both peers and team members, and they need to trust us. With this trust, we can achieve miracles, because we are not wasting our energy on watching our backs, and can focus that energy on doing the job well instead.

The only way we can gain trust from others is through our behaviour and attitude towards them. If we are trusting of them, they tend to return the trust. If we keep confidentiality, they are more likely to tell us the truth. If we are honest with them, they will be honest back.

We all know this – our close personal friendships work on this basis, and our work relationships are not that different. In the same way as we can rely on our friends to support us and be there when we need them, we need to be able to do the same with our work colleagues, because they will help us to perform at our best.

And of course, this is two-way. If we want the best from our teams, we need to be there for them, and support them when they need it. This approach is often seen as part of the coaching style of management, but to me, it is more than just a style. It is a way of life, a way of being with people, that makes work more enjoyable, more satisfying, more rewarding, for both parties.

We sometimes think that caring for our colleagues is ‘too soft’ and will lead to them exploiting our softness. Yet very few people fail to respond to being trusted and supported as a person. And most people work far more effectively for someone they feel they can trust.

If we want to be effective as a coach, either professionally or as a way of supporting our friends, then building trust into the relationship is essential. (For more on being an excellent coach, visit www.meta4business.com/coaching)

Building more trust into relationships.

If you are not very trusting, experiment with giving trust a bit more, and count how many times it pays off, rather than back-firing.
And if you are a trusting manager, keep going, build on it!
If someone comes to you with something personal, make sure that you treat their subject with respect, and keep it to yourself.
And if you make a promise, keep it.

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ARE YOU A GOOD LEADER?

By Di Kamp on February 12, 2004 in Excellent organisations, Leadership, Meta Org Blog, relating to others

There are times when I wonder if I am right off-track in terms of what I believe people want from a leader. Am I being too idealistic in thinking that people would prefer a leader with integrity, intelligence, a long-term view, a clear direction and a desire to make the world a better place?

After much soul-searching, I came to the sad conclusion that, although this may be what we would prefer, it is not what we think we can have. We no longer believe in it as a real possibility. We don’t tend to look for someone who will take us to a better place, but rather look for someone who will keep what we have under some sort of control.

In business the same tendency is reflected in the fact that we talk about leaders, but the majority are not leaders, they are managers – people who work at keeping what there is under some sort of control. Rather than have a vision of what may be possible, most so-called leaders are working to a short-term timescale, managing the resources they have to achieve short-term aims. These people may well do a good job, but they are not leading. The very word implies a movement forward with purpose.

If these people succeed in maintaining the jobs in their area, and keep the business profitable, they are deemed to have done a good job – and they have. What they haven’t done is lead their staff.

And it is a clear direction with a purpose that inspires people to give of their best, rather than do enough to keep the story going.

So are you a good leader? Do you have a vision of how the workplace could be better, how the work your area does could be enhanced, how the service you give could be even better? Do the people around you want to give of their best, come to you with ideas to take your vision forward?

The shift of the atmosphere in the workplace from maintaining the status to moving forward is tangible and fruitful for all concerned. We may not believe that we are likely to have a leader who inspires us to give of our best, but we still delight in it when we do come across one who is like that.

So check yourself out over the next month or so. Ask yourself some simple questions:

Do I have a vision for my area that would move us forward and that inspires me with a sense of purpose?
Have I articulated it to my staff, and if not, how could I?
How can we start moving towards that vision?
How do I encourage my staff and inspire them to want to give of their best?

And choose to be the good leader you would prefer to be.

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CARING

By Di Kamp on January 6, 2004 in Excellent organisations, Leadership, Meta Org Blog, relating to others

We tend to think of being caring with others at work as being ‘soft’, and not very business-like. I don’t know where we got this from, since we all like to be cared for, and we spend a lot of our time at work, so some caring there is a delightful extra!

I remember my first visit to a particular manufacturing company. I was escorted round the factory by one of the manufacturing directors. It took us quite a while to go round, because he stopped and spoke with so many of the people working there. He knew the names of everyone who worked in his area of the business, but more than that, he knew what was going on in their lives, and could sense what sort of mood they were in, and gear his greeting to them accordingly. He cared – not in a ‘soft’ way, but in a way that made his people feel valued, and motivated.

When I worked with the company, I realised the level of loyalty and commitment that he had created. His name always made people smile, and these macho men would declare that they loved working for him.

This caring came naturally to him – it just seemed to be the obvious thing to do! And it produced very noticeable results for the business. His area stood out in the business for low absence, low turnover of staff and high quality standards, and one of the tasks I had been given as a consultant was to discover why there was this discrepancy between his area and others!

I am still shocked that we don’t generally show the same degree of humanity at work as we do at home, because somehow we have come to think of it as a weakness. Yet all of us prefer to be treated like human beings and respond more positively to someone who shows some care for us as individuals. It is time this myth of being business-like – or is it robot-like! – at work was dispersed, and we all allowed ourselves and others to be real feeling caring human beings.

We don’t have to be ‘soft’. We are sometimes quite tough with our children, our friends, but underlying the toughness is a desire for the best for them, to help them to be at their best. Why not apply the same principle to the workplace? It would make it so much more likely that our staff gave of their best at work, and it would make us feel more human and cared for as well.

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