Tag Archives | improving your life

BEING FREE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE

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Life is for the living.

At least that’s what they say. I’m not quite sure who ‘they’ are, but one thing is for sure, there are not many of us who can honestly say that they are free to live the life they want to?

We like to blame circumstance, or others for our life not being how we’d like it to be, but ultimately I feel that the block lies with us. Continue Reading →

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GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION

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For many years, Meta has been giving others permission to be themselves to make themselves feel good, to take better care of themselves, to trust their intuition. I consider it one of the more valuable things that we do, as all of us suffer from the need to know it’s OK to do things we have learnt are generally not allowed, for whatever stupid reason.

When we were born, it seemed obvious to us that we should choose how we wanted to be, and what we wanted to do, following our hearts. Then we learned that the world doesn’t work like that, we incorporated the should’s and ought’s into our way of talking and thinking, and lost sight of our own unconscious wisdom.

How many times do you say to yourself: ‘I shouldn’t really…’ or ‘I’ve got to…’ or ‘I’d better just…’ – there are endless variations on the theme! And what they all do is deprive ourselves of what we really want to do, and push us on with our obligations, or at the very least, make us feel guilty for still following our hearts.

What would happen if we decided to turn this on its head, and find a myriad of ways of giving ourselves permission? We could say to ourselves: ‘I deserve to…’, ‘I have done enough to be able to….’, ‘I really feel like… so I will….’, ‘It’s OK if I …’ – again the list can go on and on.

It seems to me that it is time that we all took responsibility for giving ourselves that permission. And I started, as we all have to, with myself. Although sometimes quite good at it, I realised that there were still a lot of ‘should’s’ driving me on, particularly around work. So I have been paying more attention to when the ‘should’s’ drop into my thinking, and asking myself what I would rather do.

And I am finding that giving myself permission to stop, to do something I really feel like doing, to follow my heart, is having a radical effect on my life – in a good way. Strangely, more gets done more easily, even though I take more breaks from the tasks, and put my feeling ahead of my rationality. And I am happier, and I have more energy – what is going on?

I feel that the experiment is far enough along to begin to encourage others to adopt the same experiment. So why not have a go at giving yourself more permission just to be how you are, to follow your feelings, and to challenge some of those times when you are driving yourself along.

We would encourage our friends to be kinder to themselves if we saw them exhausting themselves or forcing themselves on, so be your own best friend for just a while, and do notice what the effects are…

 

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SLOW DOWN!

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Have you noticed how the days have become a non-stop dash for many of us, much of the time?  We jump out of bed, do our morning ‘stuff’. Hurry to bus or train or car, get to work, and start immediately on the ‘to do’ list.  Even after the daily dash through as much as we can get done at work, we don’t often slow down.  It’s home, tea, maybe more work, the children, and finally we collapse in bed, to have a rest ready for the next daily dash.

Are weekends any better?  Gardens, housework, kids’ activities, socialising, maybe some of the jobs we didn’t get done this week at work – the weekend can easily turn into another list of chores.

Your poor bodies and minds and hearts!!  What happened to us?  We wouldn’t fit in breathing if it wasn’t automatic!!  And we are paying a high price for all this dashing: high blood pressure, bad backs, viruses that knock us flat for days, barely surviving relationships, poor digestion.  It doesn’t even give us real compensatory rewards:  do you ever finish that ‘to do’ list, at home or at work?  Do people praise you and love you for your out-of-control Protestant work ethic?

I know, I know, it’s hard to break the habit; it seems to be what’s expected of us; if I don’t, what might happen?

So my challenge is this: can you find a few spaces in each day to just slow down for a while?

  • How about 5 minutes in the morning, just tasting your breakfast/coffee/tea?
  • How about 10 minutes around lunchtime, just walking slowly and noticing what’s around you?
  • How about 15 minutes when you first get home, sitting quietly or strolling round the garden?
  • How about 20 minutes before bed, just relaxing?

 

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THE STORY OF THE BE PERFECT DRIVER AND THE BE HAPPY DRIVER By Spencer Kirkwood.

This is a story written by one of Meta’s friends. You may recognise the theme! And thank you, Spence!

The Be Perfect driver was a successful driver. Everything he did was as close to perfect as he could make it. Anything that he was asked to achieve, he strived for 100%, even 101%!

A very commendable attitude everyone said.

From very early in the morning until late into the evening, the Be Perfect driver committed his time to his work and to making sure that everyone was “happy” with that work. (He is even writing this at 9.25pm in his lounge!) He knew his job well and his experience was well respected with many of his colleagues and peers.

He always took the time to support others, even when his own workload was heavy – never one to let anyone down. From time to time, he found himself on very tight deadlines which meant that occasionally, his usually high standards slipped a little.

This had an unusual effect on the Be Perfect driver – How could he have let his most precious asset slip?

Was this the point where people found out that he couldn’t do what he said he could?

Even though he said he could, could he do the job?

Now the Be Perfect driver was slipping into confusion, all the perfection was disappearing from his world and being replaced with….Doubt.

This caused the Be Perfect driver to feel less than perfect, in fact he felt as though every part of what he had worked so hard to achieve was being unravelled. People would think that he wasn’t quite as good as they first thought. They would not put so much trust in him in the future. He would slowly but surely be squeezed out.

The Be Perfect driver pulled over into a lay-by to try to figure out how he would fit all the things he had to do into the ever shrinking time line he had AND do them all perfectly.

As he pulled in, he vaguely noticed another similar looking van parked up. Leaning up against the van holding a cup of tea, was a man who looked uncannily like himself only….. better. He wasn’t sure what it was that was better about this other man, only that he looked, well, good!

Now being a man who liked everyone else to be happy, the Be Perfect driver decided to find his best smile and go over and say hello to the other driver.

“Hello” He said in his best voice and with his best smile. “I’m the Be Perfect driver, you look familiar, have we met before”?

The other driver smiled a relaxed and contented smile. “I’m the Be Happy driver” He said.

“We’ve met quite a few times, but mostly just short glimpses these days”

The Be Perfect driver was a little confused at the Be Happy driver’s response. What could he mean, just short glimpses?

“I used to stop here for a cup of tea quite often” Said the Be Perfect driver. “These days though, I just have so many things to do, I barely have time”

“I know” Said the Be Happy driver. “All that training to deliver, then more to design and write AND making sure that it is all up to standard – can’t afford to let the side down. Then there’s the family, and the work to do on the house, it just keeps getting bigger and bigger”.

“But how do you…..” The Be Perfect driver was just about to ask how on earth the Be Happy driver knew all these things about him when the Be Happy driver continued..

“I was just like you, up at the crack of dawn and back at stupid o’clock, missing the kids go to bed and then collapsing in the chair when I got home. One day it all got on top of me and I didn’t know what to do first. I didn’t talk to my wife because it was just boring work stuff and she was busy trying to project manage everything else that was going on.

“Then one day, I went to see a good friend of mine. We weren’t supposed to be talking about my troubles but it just ended up coming out in conversation. As I was talking, I heard myself saying something to my son a few days earlier and it just hit me that I was unhappy. I was trying SO hard to pull everything together and keep everyone happy but all I was achieving was more stress and behaving in a way that was actually making people UN-HAPPY”.

“My friend asked me a fairly simple question. She said that trying for the best result was a good trait but if I could change being perfect to something else, what would I choose?”

I thought for a minute and decided that rather than having a “Be Perfect” driver, I would rather have a “Be Happy” driver”.

“I started to think about all the things that I had to do, all the people I needed to please and all the stress I was piling on myself and my family. Then I asked myself how I could achieve all of these things from a Happy perspective”.

“As I thought about each task, I thought about how I could fit in a little treat to make me feel happy as I worked. I also thought about a bigger treat at the end of each week, just to celebrate what I had achieved, even if I hadn’t managed to do everything. At the beginning I was worried that doing this would mean that my own standards would dip, but guess what – they actually went up! Because I was enjoying what I was doing and letting myself have a little treat every now and then, I was really pleased with the results – And so were other people!”

“It seems that a little time spent making sure YOU are happy has the most wonderful effect on other people. Somehow, I don’t find them asking for so much of my time these days – maybe because what I do for them now is closer to being right the first time. I don’t feel quite as rushed as I used to – maybe because I am enjoying the work” (and looking forward to the treat!)

I enjoyed lying on the floor the other night with both of my daughters sitting on my back while I read them a story – Something I hadn’t done for a while without speed reading and bundling them off to bed so that I could carry on with work”!

The Be Perfect driver was stunned, it was as if someone had just described his life!

He looked at the Be Happy driver for a long time. The more he looked, the more he wanted to look and feel like him.

“Do you think I could do the same as you”? Said the Be Perfect driver.

“Absolutely”. Said the Be Happy driver. “Do you know what makes you happy”?

The Be Perfect driver thought.

“ My kids when they laugh, going to football on Saturday and watching my son, nice cup of tea with milk and two sugars, watching a romantic film with my wife, watching……”

“Okay, okay” Said the Be Happy driver. “Use all of those things and more as your treats. When you don’t have much time, use the short treats, when you have more time, use the longer ones. Enjoy it when you use them”.

The Be Perfect driver looked at his watch.

“Time I was off on the road again”. He said to the Be Happy driver. “Thanks for the chat though and I’m definitely going to use my treats and think more about what makes me happy”.

“One more thing before you go”. Said the Be Happy driver. He drew a big imaginary hoop in the air. Then he grabbed it and passed it to the Be Perfect driver.

“Take this”.

“What is it”?

“Inside that hoop are all the things that make you feel good. Sometimes, when you’re struggling to find “Happy”, throw the hoop on the floor and step in it. Let yourself feel all those good things surround you and fill you up. Once you have topped up with “Happy”, pop the hoop in your pocket and carry on”.

“Thanks”. Said the Be Perfect driver looking a little confused.

Are you coming this way next week”? Asked the Be Happy driver.

“Yes, on Tuesday” Said the Be Perfect driver.

“Stop off for a treat and we’ll talk again. It’s been nice”.

“I will”, said the Be Perfect driver as he turned and walked back to his van, all the time feeling the hoop in his pocket filling up with happiness.

 

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THE IMPORTANCE OF FRIENDSHIP

I am feeling proud of myself this year!  So far, I have arranged to spend time with five friends that I haven’t seen for ages – well over a year.  It is so easy to let friendships drift in our busy lives, and my friends are very tolerant – they stay friends even through the periods of non-contact.

One of my dear friends died before Christmas, and I hadn’t seen her for about five years, although we had talked on the phone – too much hassle to arrange to go and visit, and now it’s too late.  I vowed to make sure that much of a gap didn’t happen with any other friends, looked at who I hadn’t seen for ages, and started planning.

These people have shared chunks of my life, often been vital in lifting my spirits, and loved me at my best and my worst.  They deserve a little effort on my part!  And there is great pleasure for me in re-connecting with them, catching up, sharing our stories.  Friends matter and cannot be taken for granted, and we can also make new friends in sites online such as Live Chat ChatEmpanada which is great for this.

Who have you drifted away from?  Who would you enjoy seeing again?  Do find a little time to arrange to meet up with them – it’s worth it.

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How is your world today?

This morning the world feels good to me. All my useful beliefs are running well, and I feel able to do anything that comes my way, and bring the things I want my way. Mornings like this are lovely, because I am more effective, happier, and just good!!

So why aren’t they all like this? I have the evidence that this attitude works well for me, and for those around me, yet I still slip into old habits of feeling the pressure, and running less than useful beliefs about it. And I am one of the lucky ones – I have more freedom to do my work the way I want to than most, and also do work that I really love and care about.

We are so well trained into the belief that things are how they are, that we don’t make a choice about how they are, but simply have to put up with it. Most of us have heard it all our lives!

We need to be constantly reminded that we do have a choice, and that overall, life is good, if we want to live by our own set of rules. I find it useful to have tapes, cd’s, books that remind me, and to take a little taste every day. It is also useful to have some people that you can contact when you are slipping, who will hep you to remember that there is another way.

And finally, it is vital to forgive ourselves when we do slip – beating ourselves up only perpetuates the bad feelings. So next time you realise that you have forgotten to choose to make your life feel good, congratulate yourself, and laugh and have another go!

So, how is your world today? If it’s crap, remind yourself that it doesn’t have to be, laugh, and start again. If it feels good, delight in it, and use it well – you have come past that age old conditioning yet again – how excellent!

 

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GOING SLOW

Some years ago, I read a book called “Stopping “ by David Kudtz.  It made an impression on me, I think mainly because I rarely did – stop, that is!  And, for a short while, I did put some “stops” into my life – times when I did nothing, and just allowed life to go by for an hour or two – but it didn’t really stick as a habit.

Now having just spent some time in one of my favourite places, Provence in France, I have realised that one of the reasons I love it there is because the cultural habit is going slow.  I may not have learnt to stop, but I’m pretty good at going slow some of the time, and I’m inclined to increase the habit.

When you sit down in a pavement café, the waiters assume you are going slow, so they don’t rush to serve you, or to ask for payment.  This is not poor service, it’s respectful service, respecting your right to go slow.

It is easy to become impatient when you are used to an “instant response and action” type of life, yet relax into the go slow culture, and you begin to notice the advantages:

  • Proper attention paid to detail – the arrangement of food, the laying of the table
  • Time for contact between human beings – smiles, conversations
  • Things get done, effectively and pleasantly
  • No tempers of frustration, but a tranquil atmosphere
  • A sense of spaciousness in time, instead of it rushing by
  • Room to notice what’s happening around you

OK, it may not be appropriate in our culture to run on “go slow” time all the time.  And sometimes, we may give ourselves permission to slow down for an hour or two in the day, and take that time to reflect, to refresh ourselves.

I love go slow starts to the day, with time to consider, before rushing into action.  And gardening is definitely a go slow activity for me. Maybe it is reading the Sunday newspaper, or having a meal or drink with friends for you.

And how else can we put some go slow time into our busy lives?  I intend to experiment, because I feel so much more as if I’m living my life when I go slow for a while.  I also regain perspective, and feel refreshed by that change of pace.  Why not join me in the experimentation, and see what some “going slow” does for you!!

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The Rhythm of Life

We all know that we have a natural rhythm – no, I don’t mean your ability to dance! – I mean the rhythm of our energy levels. Some of us are full of energy first thing in the morning, some of us last thing at night, and all of us tend to go up and down during the day in different ways. We know this because if we stop for a moment and reflect on how we are feeling, we will notice that we are sluggish or energised, blurry or focused – you know what I mean..

What is sad is that we are not taught to work with our natural rhythms – in fact the opposite is true for most of us. We are taught to ignore them. Yet if we want to be excellent, our ability to manage our energy is paramount.

We have four types of energy – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Each type need scaring for, and to be given a chance to refresh.

  • If I have sat still for a while, I need to move my body, feed it, and revitalise my physical energy.
  • If I have been concentrating on something mentally, I need to give my mind a rest, by doing something ‘mindless’ or enjoyable  with my mind – or even switching to another form of activity – that walk we need regularly.
  • If I have been engaged in something that is emotionally draining – even if it is a positive form of draining, I need to do something that just gives me joy for a while, without any effort on my part
  • And every so often, I need to make sure that I feel that what I am doing is purposeful and worthwhile, to refresh my spiritual energy – and if it doesn’t feel that way, I need to find ways of feeling that – by switching what I am doing, on a macro- or micro-level.

Scientists have researched our energy levels and what affects them in considerable depth. There is a consensus of opinion that we need to recharge our physical, mental and emotional levels of energy every 1.5 to 2 hours.  How many of us do that? And without the feeling of purposefulness, all of us sink into a dreary view of everything we do – the daily drudgery..

It doesn’t take long to recharge, and as those of you who have been on programmes with us will know, there are many techniques you can use to help you. Without the recharging, we become automatons, and never fulfil our potential. What a waste!

So just stop and reflect on how you can keep yourself charged, and allow yourself to be at your best this month – you will gain from it, and so will the world!

 

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WHEN THINGS GO WRONG

It is easy to be an inspiring leader, full of enthusiasm, when things are going right. It is when things start to go wrong that our true mettle shows through..

When we work with leaders, we find that they really understand the principles of leadership, and have a genuine desire to put them into practice. Yet they slip back into old habits of control and blame when things get tough, back in the workplace.

Why does this happen? Two reasons:

  1. We have all been well trained in the old habits, so they are your default position,. When we have time to think, we can switch on a different behaviour, but when the pressure is on, we have an automatic response.
  2. Other people expect us to behave as we always have done. Even if it is not particularly constructive behaviour, they at least know how to react if we do what we have always done. So if we step out of that, they often try to push us back into the familiar.

So how do we change our habits?

The easiest way to change a habitual behaviour is to consciously practise at regular intervals. So if you say to yourself that this morning is going to be my time for being the excellent leader I know I can be, and set yourself a time limit, it begins to get into the muscle. Don’t make the time too long – then it begins to get strenuous, just like when you take up a new form of exercise, and you will get disheartened.

There is one caution to this – sometimes we slip even when we have made a conscious decision not to, and then we tend to beat ourselves up for it even more than usual! This is not at all helpful, because the way our brain works is that every time we go through an experience again in our memory, we are rehearsing to do the same thing again, so reliving the not so useful behaviour is a great way to train yourself to do it again next time! Instead, just recognise that your behaviour was not what you intended, and run through the scenario as you would have liked to play it. This is excellent training for handling it better next time.

It also really helps if you can find a mentor – someone whom you respect and trust, who is further along on the path to being an excellent leader. Such a person provides the encouragement, advice and support that can make it so much easier to grow yourself.

Most of us don’t suddenly turn into excellent leaders overnight – it takes practice. Go gently with yourself, gradually introducing more and more of the behaviours you want to demonstrate and you will be surprised by how the ‘new you’ begins to grow!

 

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THE ESSENTIALS OF LIFE ‘ HEALTH

This is the time of year when we make resolutions to eat more healthily, take more exercise, and then have a really unpleasant cold, wet day, and curl up in front of the TV with a box of chocolates!

It is curious that we are obsessed with health, yet are now far more unhealthy than our predecessors. Their way of life involved much more physical activity as part of the everyday living and we can decide to compensate for our sedentary lives by taking the odd walk, climbing stairs instead of taking lifts or escalators, and just moving our bodies a bit more.

And there is more to health than just being physically in shape. The word health comes from the same root as the word healing, and it means being whole. When we only pay attention to the physical side of our health, we are ignoring the wholeness of ourselves. All the different aspects of us are interlinked, and whilst keeping myself in physical good shape can help with the other parts, it is not enough, as the other parts can also dramatically affect our physical state.

So we also need to ask: what state is my mind in? what state is my heart in? what state is my spirit in? these are not questions that we are taught to ask of ourselves, and we often have no conscious awareness of what is happening with our minds, hearts and spirits. This is exacerbated by the fact that they are parts of us that can keep going despite the knocks for longer than our bodies. The damage to them tends to be slow-growing and we only notice when it has reached crisis proportions, or when some life-threatening event happens to us or someone close to us, and prompts us to consider the bigger picture of our lives.

An easy way to discover how those parts of you are feeling is to describe them as metaphors. For example, my mind feels like a sleepy bear ready to hibernate, or my heart feels like a blossoming scented flower, or my spirit feels like it is in a cage, wanting to be free.

If you like the metaphor, then that part of you is fine, if you don’t, imagine how you would like to change the metaphor to be how you want to be. For example, I would prefer my mind to feel like the bear ready to come out of its hibernation, hungry and motivated. Imagine what that would feel like, and then ask yourself to move towards that over the next few days. If you feel resistance, you can ask yourself, what would help me to be like that? And add that into your life!

This year, when you make those new year resolutions, remember to include one for your mind, heart and spirit, to encourage them to thrive as well!

 

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